Twisted Words

writing and photos copyright 2010, aaron paul lazar                           


When I first started publishing my novels, I was advised by a sage web promoter to "write articles, lots of articles!" She went on to say, "Post them on your website for free, you'll be amazed at how much back traffic you'll generate."


I started to follow her advice. My first piece was requested by a writing blog. The subject: "A Writer's Life." After that, they seemed to flow out of me. I talked about my book signings (with advice on 'how to'), about our family traumas, funny slice of life stories, writing crises, writing tips, and more. Now, with over a hundred articles under my belt, I don't post them all on my website for free. 


Why? Mostly, it's because they end up in the weirdest, bizarre places, and they're often mutilated by God-knows-what kind of internet robot translators! 


Yesterday, I came across a google alert for my LeGarde Mystery series in this, of all places: Florida_Retirement_System. It was supposed to be a piece I wrote way back in 2005, called, "When I Grow Up." Ha. I guess they scanned it and saw the last line, which said, "I wanna be retired when I grow up."


Anyway, I cracked up when I read it. Except where they had inserted a few swear words (not copied below). I try to make all my writings wholesome, something I can show my daughters and grandkids without flinching, you know? Well, except maybe for a few tastefully steamy scenes I added to Mazurka after I realized they weren't even reading my books. LOL! Other than that, I got a chuckle out of the following excerpts. See what you think?

***

"I designed to tracheophyte every garden on the grounds. There would be no stragglers mitt stagnant when I was through!" 


(original: I planned to weed every garden on the grounds.  There would be no stragglers left standing when I was through!)

***

"And, prizewinning of all, I would completely spot my proofs for Upstaged, the ordinal aggregation in the LeGarde Mystery Series. Due 'any period now,' I’d been promised that they’d come meet in instance for my carefully designed hiatus. When ended with Upstaged, I’d impact on Counterpoint, the ordinal book, and indite until my fingers cramped or I became a mummified author, affixed to the laptop with a vitrified countenance of revel on my grotesque mug." 


(original: And, best of all, I would completely scour my proofs for Upstaged, the second book in the LeGarde Mystery Series.  Due “any day now,” I’d been promised that they’d arrive just in time for my carefully planned hiatus. When finished with Upstaged, I’d work on Counterpoint, the ninth book, and write until my fingers cramped or I became a mummified author, glued to the laptop with a glazed expression of delight on my ugly mug.)   

***

"Julian, digit and a half, is a moving dervish who actually helps me in the gardens and keeps up a constant, pleasing prate that offers genuine companionship. He attacks the band with relish, and has begun to discern the disagreement between the noodle plants and the pigweed." 


(original: Julian, two and a half, is a whirling dervish who actually helps me in the gardens and keeps up a constant, delightful chatter that offers true companionship.  He attacks the weeds with relish, and has begun to recognize the difference between the bean plants and the pigweed.)

***

"Both boys plead for rides on the lawn tractor, and we pay some an distance sport around the grounds, hunting beneath baritone ornamentation branches and plucking ripened gooseberries and blueberries from the bushes that we pass."


(original: Both boys beg for rides on the lawn tractor, and we spend many an hour riding around the grounds, ducking beneath low hanging branches and plucking ripe gooseberries and blueberries from the bushes that we pass.)  

***

It goes on and on. But the funniest lines were from my old bio, which they only partially copied. (At least my website was there, but frankly, I'm not so sure I'm glad about that after this travesty!)

"Aaron Apostle Lazar lives in Upstate New royalty with his wife, threesome daughters, digit grandsons, mother-in- law, digit dogs, and threesome cats. After composition in the primeval farewell hours..."

and:

"Additional passions allow gardening, preparing super kinsfolk feasts, photography ..."

and last but not least: 

"Although he worshipped upbringing his threesome pleasing daughters, Mr. Lazar finds grandfathering his 'two lowercase buddies' to be digit of the best experiences of his life."

***

Heh. Can you beat that? I caught my 18 month old granddaughter at the keyboard the other day. Think she had anything to do with it? She looks guilty, doesn't she?

I think I'll go prepare a super kinsfolk feast for my two lowercase buddies now.  

- Aaron "Apostle" Lazar