(Please note: The following is not actual advice. This is completely tongue-in-cheek and sarcastic, and written because I am feeling sarcastic today. The author of the following post does not actually bear any ill will toward any of the authors who may or may not be inferred through the following piece. The author of this post actually admires many of them, though she will not say which ones.)
Are you thinking about becoming an author? Do you want your name splashed all over newspapers, magazines and the Internet? Do you dream of seeing people reading your books in cafes, on subways, and in airports? Check out these tried-and-true methods of becoming a rich and famous author!
* Tackle the central tenets and long-held beliefs of a huge, powerful and influential institution and create a fictionalized account of corruption and buried secrets, thereby angering that institution and getting its administration to ban your book, prompting its members to buy it and see what the fuss is all about.
* Get a head start: write a novel when you're still a teenager, while your parents own and operate a publishing company, and get them to cart you around selling your book.
* Choose a genre and subject about which you know nothing, thereby allowing you to ignore all the established lore and come up with something completely "original, fresh and different" (and sparkly). Target teenage girls by making your main character an empty shell upon which they can project.
* Instead of writing your own books, become an idea person who dictates outlines to a team of co-writers, therefore allowing you to produce 9 novels every year. Make sure to keep your chapters ridiculously short (this creates "page-turners"). Produce television commercials, and buy a little $100 million shack in Florida.
* Change your legal name to Stephen King. Publish your grocery list.
* Sell your soul to Satan.
* Die before your book is released.
Any of these things will virtually guarantee wild authorial success!
(Alternately, you could - oh, I don't know - work your butt off, write a great book, and hope for the best...)
This message is brought to you by People Who Are Sick And Tired Of Ridiculous "Out Of The Box, It Worked For So-and-So" Crap Masquerading As Sound Advice. No authors or furry animals were harmed in the creation of this message. Please tip your waitstaff. Have a nice day.