Tuesday, July 6, 2010

How to Be a Wacky, Eccentric Writer

-Live in a small, cluttered place: a shed, a cabin, a garage. Never open the curtains. For extra wackiness, rent a storage unit and live in that.

-Wear any or all of the following: mismatched socks, fingerless gloves (wool), a stained sweater vest, a ratty bathrobe (over clothes for the best effect). Pipes and/or cigarette holders make great accessories too. Actually smoking them is optional.

-Wander around drunk in public from the hours of 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. At night, pass out in a gutter, clutching several pages of random notes.

-While in public (drunk or sober), point randomly at anything and shout, "I've found my muse!" Then duck into the nearest establishment and scribble something on a napkin. Or produce a pen and start writing on your palm or forearm.

-Use public library computers to research weird things, preferable related to methods of murdering people or overthrowing the government. Talk to yourself frequently while researching. If anyone tries to start a conversation with you, say, "Shhhh! I think they're listening to me."

-Whenever someone knocks on your front door, open it, stare wildly for a few seconds, shout, "I'VE GOT IT!" and slam it in their face.

-Refuse to look anyone in the eye, on the grounds that they'll see your brilliant ideas and steal them.

-Bring a notebook and pen to parties. Pick one person at a time and stare intently at them while writing things down. When they ask what you're doing, tell them you're figuring out the best way to kill them off.


Aaron Paul Lazar said...

Oh my gosh, Sonya! You had me rolling in the aisles here!!!! This is a GREAT list!!! Ha!!!!!

Terry W. Ervin II said...

I think the living in a storage unit thing happened on the Drew Carey show, but not for artistic reasons. ;)

Helen Smith said...


echo said...

That is great! i could so do that. Somehow the best part would be watching my teenagers try to explain me to their friends after.

s.w. vaughn said...

LOL I am so ready for the Jehovah's Witnesses to come for a visit, so I can do the shout-and-slam-the-door thing. :-)

amyknichols said...

Awesome! Thank you for the laugh. I needed that this morning. :)

Elizabeth Spann Craig/Riley Adams said...

I loved it--and tweeted it. :)

Chetan said...

Great, so you really do that?