This post is for all you city dwellers thinking about setting a story out in the sticks. If you think life is boring out here ... well, you may be right, but sometimes, interesting things happen. Sure, we don't have nightclubs or fancy restaurants (seriously, our most upscale eating establishment is a place called Daddy Ed's) - but we've got all sorts of fun.
So, here are some awesome things about country living you probably didn't know!
* If you wake up one morning and no longer have any running water, you don't have to call your landlord or a service expert and wait for them to fix it for you. All you need is a big shovel, a little shovel, knee-high wading boots, a good pair of rubber gloves, and a few hours to walk out to the well in the back forty and dig out all the silt and mud that's gunked up in there due to spring runoff.
* Traffic jams are less likely to be caused by actual traffic than by the occasional horse or cow that wanders out onto the road, and proceeds to stand there knowing that it's a hell of a lot bigger than your compact car and can totally take you out.
* When your nephew leaves his cell phone at the laundromat, you can not realize it, drive half an hour to the nearest cradle of civilization where they have a Walmart to satisfy those shopping needs you just can't fulfill in town, panic when you realize he's lost his phone, and drive all the way back, and the nice lady at the gas station next door will still be holding on to the phone for him.
* Being lonely is difficult when you can't walk into any business establishment in town without running into at least four people you know, who want to catch you up on everything you might have missed, therefore ultimately making you take forty-five minutes to pick up a gallon of milk and a newspaper.**
** No matter what you need, and how short your list is, you will always have to make at least two stops in town - and possibly as many as four - to get everything, because there is no such thing as one-stop shopping here. It's a law: country time must be three to five times slower than city time. If we had everything in one place, things might get convenient, and we can't have folks moving fast around here. It'll scare the neighbors.
* Your neighbor definitely owns a gun. You will realize this when the weather gets decent, and he starts firing it at random times throughout the day for no apparent reason. You will have no idea what he's shooting at, but you can rest assured in the knowledge that it's not you. You're too far away for good accuracy.
* Unless you also live in the area, do not ask us for directions. We will give you landmarks that are vague, impossible to recognize, or no longer exist, such as "turn left at the corner where Russell's Garage used to be, then take a right where they cut that big tree down after the blizzard of '93." Get a map. It will be your best friend.
Thus ends my review of country living. It's great out here. Really. Does anyone out there live close to a Walmart - and are you looking for a roommate?