How to Be a Wacky, Eccentric Writer

-Live in a small, cluttered place: a shed, a cabin, a garage. Never open the curtains. For extra wackiness, rent a storage unit and live in that.

-Wear any or all of the following: mismatched socks, fingerless gloves (wool), a stained sweater vest, a ratty bathrobe (over clothes for the best effect). Pipes and/or cigarette holders make great accessories too. Actually smoking them is optional.

-Wander around drunk in public from the hours of 11 a.m. to 8 p.m. At night, pass out in a gutter, clutching several pages of random notes.

-While in public (drunk or sober), point randomly at anything and shout, "I've found my muse!" Then duck into the nearest establishment and scribble something on a napkin. Or produce a pen and start writing on your palm or forearm.

-Use public library computers to research weird things, preferable related to methods of murdering people or overthrowing the government. Talk to yourself frequently while researching. If anyone tries to start a conversation with you, say, "Shhhh! I think they're listening to me."

-Whenever someone knocks on your front door, open it, stare wildly for a few seconds, shout, "I'VE GOT IT!" and slam it in their face.

-Refuse to look anyone in the eye, on the grounds that they'll see your brilliant ideas and steal them.

-Bring a notebook and pen to parties. Pick one person at a time and stare intently at them while writing things down. When they ask what you're doing, tell them you're figuring out the best way to kill them off.